Restoring Values to Family Life
by Peter Michaelson

Higher values such as integrity, compassion, and peace emerge from us, one person at a time, as we explore and expose the negative beliefs and attitudes that we harbor toward ourself and others.

However, many Americans believe otherwise. They believe peace and harmony can only be achieved through a return to what they call family values. Goodness prevails, they believe, when people strive to eliminate negative and evil influences from the culture (rather than from within themselves) by adhering to moral rules and "correct" standards of behavior. They say the main ingredients in family values are loyalty, obedience, and respect.

We all wish that simplistic solutions would work. Wouldn't it be nice if "doing good things" such as being prayerful, obedient, and polite did solve our personal and social disharmony. I believe we need to become stronger and smarter, fueled by the burst of intelligence gained from enhanced inner awareness and loving connection with ourselves.

One way to define family values is in terms of the quality of learning that we impart to our children and the freedom we give them to value their own perceptions and feelings.

Most of us know intellectually that we have value; it is another matter for us to be convinced emotionally. To help children to feel their value, it is important to avoid preaching or forcing a point of view down their throats. We have to know our value from the inside out, starting with the sense that our feelings and perceptions can be trusted and followed.

Otherwise, children feel inadequate or lacking in intelligence when they are led to believe that their feelings and perceptions are wrong. Their potential is undermined when they are convinced that parents or other authorities have all the answers. When ideas are imposed and personal experience discounted, a child doesn't get room to think for himself or cultivate his emotional intelligence.

Indoctrinating our children with the subscribed mentality reflects an unconscious compulsion to do to our children what was done to us. In so doing, parents and adults discourage young people from journeying inward into the world of self-discovery and self-realization.

Rather than being told by others what to believe, intelligence is strengthened when the child has to create his own answers (with parental guidance, of course) and trust his own perceptions. He develops trust in his own wisdom. In young minds, self-trust can be shattered by adults who insist that one's value is a measure of submission, obedience, and the readiness to accept what one is told. Children feel guilty for showing independence when they are told: "You're bad if you don't obey me and believe what I tell you."

This manner of instructing children serves two purposes for insecure parents: first, it protects the parents' self-image if their child conforms to their sense of reality; second, as they control the child through guilt, shame, and coercion, they take a secret emotional satisfaction in having their child endure the passivity they once endured at the hands of their own parents.

Guilt and control are even more inappropriately applied when the child is told that he is not only going against parents or other authorities but against God. If children become too guilt-ridden, too dependent on approval, their mental and emotional intelligence is crushed under the weight of self-doubt and anxiety.

Many of us as children were not respected for our opinions and appreciated for our own unique self. Now it is hard for us to value ourselves. We search for external validation and make our value dependent on some ideology, activity, or external structure. Unknowingly, we project our own sense of having little value onto our children. We see in them all the deficiencies that we believe about ourselves. If we are unable to embrace and recognize ourselves, our own great treasure, than we won't be able to see and treasure the self in our children.

We help our children develop a sense of self-value by being interested in and curious about their perceptions and feelings, even if these may differ from our own. We need to respect their privacy, as well as their need for their own opinions and expression of feelings. This is how they learn to respect themselves and to respect others. When each member of a family values himself or herself, each values the other.

Our first responsibility to our children is to teach them, through our own example, the courage and wisdom to be responsible for problems and mistakes in their lives. We can't bestow happiness upon our children, but we can give them a good shot at it by being models of self-responsibility. Every child has to deal with feelings of disappointment, recognition of his own shortcomings, the challenge of delayed gratification, his struggle for autonomy, and his need to work for what he gets in order to feel fulfilled. He is more likely to succeed when his parents confirm his value and respect his perceptions.

Our value is in our character and integrity, and in the essence of who we are and what we are realizing, not what is granted to us by the government, the Constitution, or society. We feel our value best when we are able to manifest the highest ideals of humanity and practice qualities such as integrity, courage, truthfulness, and compassion, rather than feeling our value through status, power, money, recognition, and property.

When we value ourselves, we value others. Then we can handle freedom and liberty in such a way that these privileges don't become self-indulgence or unmitigated individualism. The jurist Learned Hand said in a speech fifty years ago, "And what is this Liberty which must lie in the hearts of men and women? It is not the ruthless, the unbridled will; it is not the freedom to do as one likes. That is the denial of liberty, and leads straight to its overthrow. A society in which men recognize no check upon their freedom soon becomes a society where freedom is the possession of only a savage few--as we have learned to our sorrow."

The following ground rules can help parents interact with their children. If you become more sensitive and appropriate with your children, you will become more sensitive to and understanding of yourself. Remember, it is especially hard to be open to children and give them our full respect when we haven't received it from our own parents and don't accord it to ourselves.

(1) Praise your children and tell them you love them and how important they are to you. (Don't overdo this so that it appears phony). Especially praise them for creative work and positive traits. Let them know you believe in what they can accomplish. Remember, one way to show you love them is to set appropriate boundaries and be firm when necessary. If you have trouble disciplining them appropriately, it may be because you yourself are entangled in issues of control, rejection, and disapproval.

(2) Reach out and touch them, hug them. Don't be afraid to give them physical affection. Kids love it.

(3) Do things with them that they like to do (even things you don't particularly enjoy) and spend more time with them. Refrain from using privileges or material possessions as substitutes for your presence and interest.

(4) Cultivate a deep interest and curiosity in what they think about things and why they feel the way they do. This shows you trust them to make good decisions and that you value their uniqueness.

(5) Refrain from lecturing, advice-giving, or blaming them for their troubles. Just listen to them--care about them and their feelings. Ask yourself, "Am I really interested in my child's feelings and opinions?" Listening to them without interruption resolves many problems. They need to know you really care. You don't have to preach or "fix" their problems. Just listen.

(6) Don't force yourself on your children or violate their privacy. Respect their need for solitude. However, let them know you are available if they need you. Let them take the initiative sometimes.

(7) Be sure to ask their opinions and feelings about major decisions. Give them a chance to express themselves. Asking for their input (even if you don't do what they suggest) gives children a feeling of importance. Show them you care about their feelings and what happens to them.

(8) Don't take personally their moodiness or sarcasm. Kids are naturally self-centered and insensitive to the feelings of others, and they hate to do chores. If they are having problems with grades, ask them, "How are you feeling about school, home, or friends? What are your feelings about your grades? How can we help you?" Don't be afraid to comment, "You seem down today, is everything OK?"

(9) Many of us get caught up in the "good performance" of our children. We want them to look good so that we look good to others. We worry that our children will make us look bad, which means that is what we really expect to happen and what we are attached to. When children sense their parents' negative expectations, they will go about fulfilling those expectations. In these situations, we need to work on their self-esteem and recognize the feelings they themselves are responsible for. Be aware that we unconsciously project onto our children our own negative feelings about ourselves. A child is not a tool to boost your own flagging sense of self-worth. A child can't give you what you won't give yourself.

(10) Think hard on these questions: Are you treating your children in the same negative way you felt your parents treated you? If so, what negative emotion or emotions does that maintain in your life? Are you secretly expecting your children to be disobedient, untrustworthy, selfish? If yes, why?

(11) Be open with your child about your feelings and admit your fears. If we appear all-knowing and all-perfect, the child may give up on himself because he feels hopelessly inferior. How can he compete with perfection? So admit your mistakes, say you are sorry. Be human.

(12) When you discipline your child, be clear that your concern is with the child's behavior, not with his essence. Many of us become inordinately angry at our children, often for minor infractions. This reaction is produced as a result of unresolved emotions within ourselves, our own self-condemnation and self-hatred, and makes children feel bad about themselves.